I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
