I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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