I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
