She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Your cock deserves a montage
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize