I heard we made out
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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