just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
