I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
