So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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