So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
