If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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