the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
