so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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