Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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