just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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