Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize