he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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