I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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