Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
