which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
