Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
