There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
