I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
