My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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