he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
