saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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