Can i not drive my cunt home
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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