Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
