Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
