OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
