why didn't you poke me back
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
