headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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