I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize