Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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