apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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