i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Oh god it's open bar.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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