I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
