Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize