Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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