literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize