My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
