I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
