They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
sarcasm needs its own font
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
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