the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
