burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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