You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
