reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
