my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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