Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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