I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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