Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
