No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Randomize
