why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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