Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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