the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
