I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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