Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
