ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
