Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
