Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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