A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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