Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
