I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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