i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
