If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He passed out mid-signature
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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