i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
