I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
