So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
we're so committed to being not committed
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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