I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
