I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
