why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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