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The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Houston, we have a blender
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
